The Truth about Marriage....especially when you marry in your 40s

I have had a lot of thoughts over the past 11 months about what I wished I had known about marriage BEFORE I got married.  All you ever hear about is all the amazing parts about marriage... and there are a lot of wonderful things about marriage, however nobody seems to really want to talk about the hard parts of marriage.... and how much work marriage is... it's like a full time job with overtime.  There are no days off from marriage, however some days are easier than others.  I also didn't realize how much of a transition marriage would be from being single for the past 40 years to now sharing a life with someone.  For at least the last 20 years I have made virtually every single decision in life on my one...simple decisions to complex.... what to eat, what to do, what bills to pay, what to buy, where to shop, what music to listen to when I drive in the car.... now, all of those decisions are made with someone else.... and sometimes it has been rough getting used to it.  When people ask me how married life is going, my usually response is "good, but it's a lot of work".

The Hubs and I are about to reach our first wedding anniversary  and if I were being honest...which I always try to on this blog, I will have to admit that it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.  There has been lots of ups and downs, (way more ups than downs), during the "down" times, I often have wondered... is this normal, is marriage supposed to be so hard and so much work? During the first couple of months I spent a lot of time on the phone with my friends who are married asking "is this normal"?  There response was almost always..."YES!  Welcome to marriage."

Of course, I would definitely consider myself to be happily married, and I love my husband very, very much... but the transition from single  to married has been hard, there has been a lot of love, laughter, tears of joy and tears of saddness, screams of excitement and screams of anger... but lots and lots of hard work and happiness.  Oddly enough, I have found the transition to marriage to be way harder than being a step parent, which surprises a lot of people.  Sure, step parenting has it's many challenges... many, many, many challenges, which I am sure I will blog about soon enough, but being with kids has always come fairly easy to me.  I have always loved kids.. people would always joke with me that I was a "kid magnet".... so, for me the roughest part this first year has not been the kiddos, but transitioning to marriage.  Marriage, by far, has been THE HARDEST thing I have ever done... but of course, the most worthwhile adventure I have ever done as well.

I hope this doesn't come across as if I am complaining, or am unhappy... that is not the case, I am very happy, I just feel like it is my duty to all my other single friends or newlyweds out there to share what I have come to believe is the "truth" about marriage... so here we go!

1.   Expectations ruin relationships- not that I really need to expand on this one, but I will.  Like I said earlier, I really believed that once we got married everything would just fall into place.... I actually expected it to fall into place and we would never fight and things would come easily for us because for most of my life, that is how things have happened.   I expected that my husband and I would communicate about everything, we would easily agree on all parenting decisions, financial decisions ect.... but those were expectations.... not reality. That is not how life really works.  Nobody agrees on everything and it is a proven fact that men and women communicate different.... people communicate differently, so why should I have thought that marriage would be any different.    I remember a couple of months into the marriage, I had a little bit of a breakdown, we had fought about something, I cried and then repeated the phrase "this isn't how I thought it was going to be, it's not supposed to be so hard".  My husbands response was a simple one "what did you expect it was going to be like".  After that discussion, I realized that if I kept expecting marriage to be like it is in my head... I would continue to get frustrated and disappointed, so, I had to change my way of thinking.   I started looking at all the good things my husband does, instead of just focusing on all the stuff he doesn't.  I started asking more questions instead of just expecting him to read my mind.  I started to realize that we were not going to always agree, but if we could come to a middle ground... it would be a win win for both of us.

2.   It's okay to go to sleep mad-  I had always heard that you should never go to sleep mad at your spouse, so for the first couple of months, there were days that the Hubs and I would stay up until 1 or 2 am fighting, because I needed to have things resolved before I could go to sleep....and honestly, those fights were NEVER productive.  I realized that my husband and I do not resolve things in the same way.  In my career I do investigations and suggest resolutions for the problems that I find.  I think I brought those same skills into the marriage, so when I see there is a problem, I immediately want to find a solution and resolve it quickly.  My husband is different... when he sees a problem, he likes to have time to think about it, to ponder all sides of the problem, to think about his response ect.  Sometimes he can think about an issues for days.... me, not so much, I like to have everything resolved at the end of the day so I can move on to some thing else.  Now, I am sure you can see why trying to stay up late and talk it out when two people are tired, angry and hurt, especially when one person needs time to think...  is never the solution.  If there is one thing I have learned from the Hubs is that there is a beauty to being more cautious, to thinking things through a little bit more... so, now when we have an issues, we decide upon a time the next day when we can talk about it, and that will give us both time to think.  I can sleep because I know that the issue will get resolved, and he can have the time to think things through.

3.  Marriage is a partnership and not just about you anymore-  Like I have said, having made pretty much every decision for the past 20 years as an adult for myself  making I never really had to consider anybody else's feelings.  I was in control of all aspects of my life... I made all my own choices based on my likes and dislikes.... in marriage you can't do that, you've got another person to consider.  It's no longer "what's best for me", it has to change to "what's best for us".  In my situation, it's not just about what's best for the Hubs and I, we also have 5 little kiddos with needs and likes and dislikes... so now, the questions is "what's best for the family".  This part of the adjustment has been really, really hard for me.  It wasn't until I was married that I realized how selfish my life was... not because I am a selfish person, but because it was only me I had to think about.  In marriage it's not just about me anymore, and that is a change that I didn't expect to be so hard.   Sometimes when I come home from a long day at work, plus an hour and 15 minute commute, all I want to do is just sit down and watch tv but I can't, I have 4 kids to get to their Tae Kwon Do lessons, and then dinner to get made, homework to be done, and my husband to give some love and attention too.  Marriage means, things will not be the same for you as when you were single, and it is going to take some adjusting, and it will be hard, and there will be a few tears, and you may fight over finances, menu's, home decor, ect, but just remember, there are some amazing things about being in a partnership as well... at the end of the day, my husband will always have my back, and I his.  There is also nothing like the feeling of coming home to kids and a husband excited to see you, NOTHING.  Nobody greeted me at the door at the end of a long work day and gave me a hug and jumped up and down and said "Cami's home, Cami's home"when I was single, and that is the real beauty of marriage.  I don't have to make all the decisions, I don't have to do everything by myself... I have a partner, and a pretty darn handsome and great one at that.

4.  A happy marriage is a full time job-  Marriage is hard work!  Even the best marriages require work It never ends.  You always have to keep working and striving everyday to do better than the day before.  You have to work to resolve concerns, even when you are tired and don't want to.  There are no days off.  There is no annual leave, sick days or paid holidays.   If you fight, you have to resolve it, you just can't let it go and that requires work, when you disagree on something, you have to work until you come to a middle ground that works for both of you. As with most things in life, the things that mean the most to us are the things we have had to fight for, to work for, the stuff that hasn't just come easy, and I think that is how marriage is.... the toughest job you will ever love.  I have never worked so hard at anything as I have this past year with my marriage.  Of course there are days I miss my carefree single life, really, I do.... but I would not change being married to my hubs and having these 5 beautiful kiddos in my life for anything... even if it requires more work that I thought was even imaginable.

Well, I have more to say, but honestly, I am tired and will have to get to the rest of this blog later. My sweet husband has been on a cleaning streak (which I love) and has now vacuumed, dusted, swept and mopped most of the house while I have been working on this blog.  Yep, I've got a good one!  Love my hubs!   Now, it's time for me to take a shower and do some grocery shopping or we will all be having top ramen for dinner tomorrow.

If you have read all the way down to here... congratulations.  Thank you for reading!  Hopefully you have found something helpful from this.  I would like to know what are somethings you have learned from marriage as well.  If you have a minutes, feel free to put them in the comments.  

Wow,what can I say... it has been over a year since I have blogged and I have lots of "Real Change" to share with you all so I thought I would update the blog.  I have decided to change up this blog a little, and more focus not just on weight loss, but on all aspects of changes that have happened in my life like ...step parenting, marriage, finding balance, trying to make healthy choices ect.  Well, the first thing I should update is probably my biggest life change of 2013....

I got MARRIED!

Yep, you heard it.... I GOT MARRIED... and not just MARRIED, but I am now a STEP MOM...gulp to not just one, two or three kids...but to 5!  Insta-mom in just a matter of minutes... crazy.  Everyone I know keeps asking me how things are going, or thinks I am crazy for signing up for such a big, big, life change, so I thought I would start updating my blog again about the ups and downs of step parenting and marriage and everything in between.  But to start things off for those of you who are new to my blog, let me tell you a little bit about the us....

This is me, Camille on my wedding day July 27, 2013... I don't know why but I just love this picture, I look so happy, and I was so happy and I am so happy.  I had been single for 40 years, and this one day changed everything for me.  I also had a whole lot of make-up on, fake hair extentions, fake eyelashes (which I loved and wish I could afford to maintain), and a beautiful dress... who could ask for more.  I also love the fact that you can see Joe holding my hand, which I don't know, I find it sweet... yes, gag, I said it... it is sweet, get over it.  Anyway... I think this picture was actually taken right as we came out of the temple after getting married to see all of our family and friends standing there waiting for us.  It was a wonderful day!  Who would have thought that I would find love, especially at 41.  Maybe I will become the poster child for finding love after 40, LOL.  Life is good, not perfect, but good.  Marriage is a lot of work, I will talk about that in another post, and step parenting is even more work... but I love my life and I love having Joe and the kiddos in it.
And now to introduce you to The hubs... or Joe.  So, you have heard the saying  "opposites attract", well it is true.  Joe and I are very different from each other.  He is more of an introvert and would be content I think to just be at home reading a good book... I on the other hand am a social butterfly.  I love to be around people, I like to go and do and he likes to ponder, analyze and be close to home.  He grew up in a small town on a farm, I grew up in the city (well as big as a city can get in Utah).  I have traveled the world, been to several different countries, while he has been to California.  He is a republican tried and true and I am more liberal than conservative... he told me the other day that I was the most liberal person he ever met LOL... and I am really not that liberal.  I remember when I broke the news to him that I voted for Obama...twice, and boy was he shocked. Other ways we are different, I am an over communicator, he is an under communicator.  He also likes to be early to things, and likes is more like he HAS to be early to everything... me, I don't think I have been on time, let alone early to anything prior to meeting Joe.  In fact, our first date, I was 1 hour late and thought nothing of it.  Looking back I can see how rude that was of me... anyway.  He loves heavy metal... Ozzy, Black Sabbath, Motley Crue.... I love pop, alternative and Indie Rock so finding a radio station we can both agree on is difficult... but we both do love our music LOUD.

Some of the things I love about Joe is that he is loyal and he will always have your back.  Where I am all over the place sometimes (free spirited), he is stable and grounded.  Where I am somewhat impulsive, he thinks things through and looks at all sides of the situation.  Where I like to bend the rules a little, he likes to keep the rules.  Sometimes I only half listen to people (yes, I will admit it), he is an excellent listener, and never seems to get tired of it.  What I was most attracted to him for (aside from the fact that I find him to be super handsome), was how much he loved his kids and what a great father he is.  Seriously, I have several friends who are single moms whose ex's are basically dead beat Dad's who "occasionally" pay child support and Joe fought for custody of the kids and is the custodial parent... he is VERY involved in the kids lives, and beyond that was the most attractive thing about him.  The other reason I fell in love with him is that despite all that he has been through... losing most of his eyesight (he is legally blind), a painful divorce, and a few other hard things,  he still remained faithful to his beliefs, committed to his children and a loving and loyal individual.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to trust again after his divorce and how much heartbreak he had to have gone through, yet he still opened up his heart again to me and I will be eternally grateful for that.

Below is our wedding video that my brother Colby, with help from Kenyon made for us.  I love it, and wow, are my bro's talented or what.  In later posts I will go over how we met and proposed and all that fun stuff, but part of "our story" is in this video.  Enjoy!

The C True Hollywood Story: Joe & Camille

Oh what a difference a year makes...

Oh what a difference a year makes....

 

One year ago this week I decided to take control of my life... more so to take back control of my "out of control" life which has always been good, but full of busyness, obligations, work, more obligations, family, friends, my ongoing struggle with my weight, my health, my emotional being, and blah, blah, blah... the list goes on (you can read more about my story by going to the About my Blog section or My Story under the label section)...I am sure there are some of you who can relate....  I was trying to please everyone.... that I got caught up it everyone else..except for myself.  I forgot to take time for me...sure, I found time for stupid late night reality TV shows, dinners with friends, random last minute road trips...but I failed to take time for my own self improvement... I became so busy trying to "fix" everyone elses' life (yes, I am a "fixer" personality and so I like to try and "fix" everyone but myself).  I have also been one who keeps busy, sometimes too busy and in the busyness I lost myself..... so, I decided to make a change, I was feeling tired, run down, and honestly a little depressed.  My journey this year all started my very first ever visit to a therapist, or as I refer to him as "life coach", who finally gave me permission to "fix" myself and to stop worrying about everyone else... and that is what 2012 was all about for me!  It is so amazing to see what happened when I decided to take the wheel of my own life instead of just being along for the ride on so many other people's journey.... Of course this decision came with me having to make a lot, and I mean a lot of hard changes in my life in which I had to make some difficult choices resulting in a lot of tears...(maybe even more tears than I shed while watching the new Les Mis movie)... but it has all been worth it!  2012 has been one damn awesome year for me full of tears of both sadness and happiness, ups and downs...but over all a wonderful journey. 

Some of the AWESOME things that have resulted from me "taking back control", becoming, vulnerable and doing things that I never thought I would do include: 

1- Survived turning the big 4-0 by throwing my own pretty darn awesome birthday bash... "Reception" style... I figured since I wasn't married, I might as well have a "reception" and I registered for gifts, had a reception photographer and videographer, and was able to celebrate a often times difficult milestone birthday surrounded by the people I love.  It was a magical night and I loved every minute of it... Thanks to all that helped me make it happen...JILL! 

2- Joined a gym, weight watchers, and tried to make getting healthy a priority...which resulted in me losing 25 lbs.  I know, 25 lbs doesn' seem all that much over a year's time, but I have come to accept that my journey is going to be a lot slower than others... I am definitely not a black or white type thinker and because of that.... I have a hard time not being too flexible with any "diet" plan I have tried.... in the words of Captain Jack Sparrow... I use Weight Watchers as "mere guidelines" instead of hard and fast rules... so, my journey is taking a long time... but I am still committed to the journey.  I went to the doctor's for a physical last week and I was excited to hear that my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar levels were all normal...yay!  I think a lot of that has to do with eating better...or in my case, LESS and exercising. 

3- By meeting with a therapist I was able to let go of a lot of unhealthy beliefs I had about myself and self sabotaging thinking errors that had over the years become my best buddies and a way to stay in the funk that I was in.  By doing this...and continuing to use some of the tools he gave me, I was able to open up a lot more to those around me, and as my therapist said.... become more "vulnerable" and let people into my life... and not just my "surface" life.  Because of this, I feel like my friendships have become even stronger and I was able to open up to not only family and friends... but to single men (which has been an impossible thing for me in the past...and also meant signing up for an online dating website).  Yes, I signed up for online dating website which was scary at first... really scary... and I felt like I was opening myself up for a lot of rejection, but instead, I met quite a few really decent guys, opened up myself to a lot of new experiences, and found that the online dating thing actually boosted my confidence and I was able to enjoy a year of a pretty active dating life (which had been DEAD, and I mean DEAD for at least the past 15 years).  And from all of those online dating adventures, I was able to meet a wonderful guy and this new year, I rang in 2013 by celebrating it with my boyfriend...yep, I said it, my boyfriend Joe (and a Big Gulp of Diet Coke LOL) and I am looking to many more fun adventures with him in the future....

So there you have it my 2012 in a nutshell... I look forward to 2013 and continuing on my journey and hearing from all of you! 

Thanks again for all your love and support!  I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life and have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received from you on this crazy journey. 

 

Cheers to you and 2012!  Bring on 2013!

 

 

 

My Top 10 List

So, I am a little late getting this posted...but since when have I ever been early for anything LOL... so, here it is, my Thanksgiving post. 

I love this time of year, Thanksgiving, autumn, leaves, the beginning of the Christmas season and New Year...yep, I love it.  I especially love the month of November, I know, kind of weird huh...but I do, maybe because I love cooking, being with friends and family, and cool weather, beautiful fall leaves...and of course, heart full of gratitude.  Sometimes I look at my life and am just amazed at how blessed I am, seriously, I am blessed... in so many ways.  Of course, not everything is perfect (I am still pleasantly plump..hehehe), but things are good and I feel very, very, very lucky and grateful, especially when I see so many wonderful people around me struggle with so much hardship and trials... I guess I just feel lucky.... so I just wanted to take a minute or two to express just a few things I am grateful for, of course, I can't list out everything that I am grateful for, but I was able to narrow it down to 10, so here it goes:

 1) My family

 

yeah, so we are not perfect....not even close....we laugh, we cry, we fight, we say mean things to each other, we talk really, really loud, we but head on political issues, we do crazy things, but all in all.... I love my family, and I can't imagine life without them.  I am especially grateful for the people my siblings have married...Melissa, Sarah, Matt and Adele, you hear horror stories of people's sister/brother-in-laws and how crazy they are, but I have been really blessed because of my "in-laws" rock and I am so happy my brothers and sister chose such wonderful people to marry and bring into our crazy family.  

Along with my family, I am so blessed to have these kiddos in my life, my nieces and nephews...they have brought such joy and laughter into our family, and I consider being an Aunt one of life's greatest blessings.  I am also blessed to be called "aunt" by several of my friends kids and I feel honored to be able to be a part of their lives as well.

 

2) My friends who have become my family
Wow, I think the Beatles had it right by saying "I get by with a little help from my friends"...seriously, I have the most wonderful people in my life, people I can call on when I am feeling down, discouraged, overwhelmed, stressed out, bored,  need a good laugh, need a good cry, and no matter where they live..near or far, or how much time comes and goes in between seeing them, we can always easily reconnect.   Friendship is something that I value and take seriously, so having good friends in my life is more important that gold, silver, and even chocolate or Diet Coke...so thank you friends!  Thank you for being in my life!

3) A job I like and great people to work with
It's not always perfect, but I love that fact that I can leave work at work, I have flexible hours, and awesome coworkers...even the really eccentric ones LOL.  I have made some really great friends working at the DLC and feel blessed to be able to have not only a job, but one that for the most part, I enjoy going to.
 

4) Laughter
"Humanity has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand". — Mark Twain

5) Good mental health
Seriously, I thank my Heavenly Father almost every day for my mental health...maybe it is a weird thing to thank him for but if you worked in the same field as I do (some of you might), than you how much easier life is if you don't have to struggle with mental health issues....  Statistics are that 1 out of every 4 people have a mental illness...that is a staggering number.  Mental illness doesn't show on the outside, but it is a silent struggle/battle/fight that a lot of people I know, some very close to me deal with every day...and I am extremely grateful that I personally don't have to have that struggle.  Life is tough for everyone, but even tougher for those with a mental illness.  Although my life isn't perfect, nor has it worked out as I had planned back when I was a young girl... I can still wake up each morning and find joy and happiness in just being alive... and I think that comes a lot easier for me because I have been blessed to not have the added challenge of things like depression, anxiety, mood swings, personality disorders, delusions, compulsions, ect...and I recognize the gift of good mental health that I have been given, and it is one that I am thankful for, because like with anything else, it could always change.   

6) Spirituality and my religious beliefs
I love my Savior, I know He lives and is aware of me.  I am thankful for  modern day prophets.  I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and the principles that are taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I am thankful for parents who taught me those principles when I was young, and for church leaders and friends that have helped me figure out who I am, which as it says in the Relief Society Proclimation "I am a beloved spirit daughter of God, and my life has meaning, purpose and direction".

7) 2012 and the many great experiences I have had this year and new people who have come into my life

I will post more about this later, but this time last year I made a decision and committment to "Sieze the Day"....to take back control of my life and make the year I turned 40 one of the best years of my life...and I will say with all of my heart, that 2012 truely has been one of the best years ever, for many reasons and I am grateful for all of the experience I have had this year and for both my old and new friends who have played such an intregal part of it!

8) Physical health improvements over the past year
I will be starting 2013 (provided the world doesn't end on 12/21/12) 30 lbs lighter (I know that might not sound like a lot...but to me it is) than I was last year, several inches smaller... and several months under my belt of consistently going to the gym.  Last spring when I stepped into the gym, I was a little nervous and intimidated... this morning when I went to the gym...and almost every time I go I am greeted by name and I don't even have to show them my membership card...they have it memorized because I come often enough...yay!  I am thankful for those who have supported me with this goal...especially my gym buddy Jen.  I will also be starting this new year with the same resolve to continue on my weight loss journey, no matter how long it might take me.  I have better physical stamina than I had last year and I feel better physically than I have in a long time. 

9) A roof over my head
I have been living in this apartment for 6 years, it honestly feels like home to me and I am grateful that I can come home every day to a roof over my head.  I drive by the homeless shelter on my way to work every day which reminds me over and over again, how lucky I am to have a place to call home. 

10) Peace and balance in my life (mostly)

How Millie got her groove back....

So, I know this blog was primarily set up to focus on my goal of losing weight and getting healthier, but like I have explained in some of my earlier posts... getting emotionally healthier was part of my year of taking control of my life.  One of the things that I decided to try was online dating...yep, you heard it... I have joined the ranks of many other desperate and not so desperate singles looking for love...  I have many funny stories from my online adventures, some good... some not so good... but all adventures.  When I first got online and saw some of my options... let's just say, I was scared... really, really, really scared... I debated posting these pictures, but I couldn't help it (I figure if they were willing to put it online, then I can repost it)... these are ACTUAL pictures from the website I have been using...

Now, I am guessing that these guys are probably nice, and maybe even mocking my profile pic at the moment... but really, what's with the seductive pose with the stuffed animal, or the deal with yellow flower? 

Anyway, I digress... I did have to switch my thinking a little in order to not get discouraged... once I did that, online dating became kind of fun... a challenge.... an adventure.  I think why I resisted online dating so much in the first place was the fear of getting rejected... that somebody would look at my profile and say, wow, she is too fat for me, or too ugly, or I hate girls with short hair.... blah, blah, blah... my running joke was "why would I pay to get rejected by boys when that happens to me all the time in real life for free".  Interestingly enough, as I got online and started searching all the profiles, I rejected a lot of them, just like they could potentially be doing with me, so it no longer became a fearful thing... I no longer feared rejection from men.. because if they rejected me online, I honestly would never know so why was I so worried.  Once that switch was flipped in my head, I had a whole new perspective on things (also going to a therapist helped a bit too).  Anyway, some day in the future I will share my tips with online dating since I have had several people tell me I should write a book.... but, I'm tired and that will have to be another day. 

So over the past year, I have gone out with 12 men... yep, 12... that is 11 more men than I have gone out with in the past 10 years (sad but true).  All these years I have been going to a singles church group, trying to find men (and spirituality of course), hoping that some boy would notice me and my awesomeness and declare their undying love for me... but nobody did.  Then, when I went online, I met lots of people who were interested in me enough to to want to go out with me... it was kind of empowering in a way.  I was no longer just a participate in life... waiting for the man of my dreams to be dropped on my doorstep, but I was out, actively searching for him.  The first boy I went out with was a really great experience for me.  He was a cowboy, simple, nice, easy to talk to, and just a good guy.  Even though that didn't work out, I still think he is a good guy, who feared commitment and just wasn't ready for a serious relationship.  There were a couple more guys over the months... several that had an interest in me, but none that I was particularly interested in.  I look at online dating kind of like interviewing for a job... you got to throw a lot of resumes out there to find a job... so that is what I did.  In the summer I met another person, my latin lover... and that is how I got my "groove" back.  Now here is where this post gets a little personal...I have kissed a couple of boys in my life... but none in the last 15 years, sad but true...I even "dated" and I use that term loosely a guy over the period of 2 years back in 2007 and we never kissed... or even held hands... but on the second date, my LL just went in for the "kill" when I wasn't expecting it and kissed me... and we kissed for awhile... sadly, that kissing was not all that enjoyable, but for the first time in years, I actually felt like I could potentially be desirable...even if I was fat.  The story of the whole kissing episode was funny, since most of you know, I am not a touch feely person and barely hug my friends... so having a man all up in my grill was way too much for me to process at once... a little overwhelming..  but again, it was a confidence booster.. maybe I was desirable.... As some of you know, that relationship was on and off quite often, so I decided to continue to date other people... I had a month or two when I had consistently lined up 2 or 3 dates in a week, all with different men.  It was crazy, fun, tiring, awesome, stressful all at the same time.  Several men I went out with numerous times, some I only met up with once, and even a few I talked to on the phone and decided before the meeting that we would NOT be a good match.  Anyway, I met two other men who have profoundly changed my life.. in a good way... and gave me one of the most precious gifts I have ever received... the gift of being with a guy and feeling like I was "enough"... that I was pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough... and desirable enough.  One of the guys, I will not actual use his name... is someone who I will care about forever, who changed me, and I will always love and care about him, but I was not in love with him.  He would tell me all the time, things like "You know Millie you are actually much pretty than you give yourself credit for", or "I have never met anyone like you, you are not like anyone I have gone out with, you are special".  He valued me for me, I felt like he was one of the few guys that I had met that actually "got me".  Of course with the talking and emotional connection, there was also a lot... and I mean a LOT of kissing... all of which I enjoyed, and again boosted my confidence and helped me change some perceptions of myself that I had held onto for years ...  Of course along with the good (he is an amazingly tender hearted guy), there was the bad...he has a lot of issues and in getting to know each other, I realized that we have very different goals and values, so after a night of shedding many a tear, on both of our parts, I had to have the "talk" with him, and boy was it hard, and let him go as a romantic interest and be "just friends".  Again, he is someone that I will always care about and be grateful for meeting.  The other guy who has profoundly changed my life... well folks he and I are "in a relationship"... we are dating seriously and I have now cancelled my online account... he is my boyfriend...yep, I said it, I have a boyfriend... and I think he is AWESOME.  He has 5 kids...yep, I said it 5 kids... from the ages of 6-13, but I have yet in my single life found a boy I enjoy being with more than him.  He is funny, goofy, energetic, steady, determined, kind, easy going, emotionally stable, faithful member of my church, overcome a lot of challenges without letting them get him down and an awesome dad... and most important... adores me (lol, it's all about me...hehe) and I adore him.  So there you have it, I have publicly announced that I have a serious boyfriend...whoa, big, big, big step for me.  Anyway, in any relationship there is always the possibility that things might not work out, and of course that is a possibility with this relationship, but for now, I am going to enjoy every minute of it and move forward with the hope that this one will work out... and I will of course post some pictures later...

 

So there you have it, how I got my groove back, and one of the reasons that I haven't been posting as frequently as I should. 

 

Thanks again for following!  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life... so thank you! 

 

The zombies are coming....

So a couple of months ago I saw an advertisement for a very interesting 5k race called "Night of the Running Dead Race" where everyone comes either dressed like zombies or humans.... so, I signed up and posted on facebook to have others come and join me.  Now, I am NOT a runner, nor did I even plan on running any part of the race, I just wanted to participate in something active where at the end I could feel like I accomplished something...and luckily several of my friends saw the post and decided to join in the fun and do the race too. 

Before the race several people came over to my house for some "pre-run" festivities, we chatted, laughed, ate, and just enjoyed getting all made up in our zombie gear and preparing for the race.    Because all of my friends are at different fitness levels than me, we all seemed to get a little separated at the beginning...well, except for me and my sweet friend Beth who decided to hang back and take things slow with me.  As we began the race I swear to you it was all up hill... really up hill... and I was so not prepared for that and I seemed to go slower than even I thought I would be going, but I had Beth by my side and we just chatted as we walked...up hill... but we kept walking.  Part of the course was to walk through a neighborhood and the awesome part was that most of the people living in that neighborhood were all out on their porch cheering the runners on... even Beth and I, the very last ones in the race... but they were out there, cheering.... encouraging us to keep going.  I think it would have been pretty fun to watch 3000 runners come through your neighborhood...some dressed as zombies all chasing the humans... awesome.  Anyway, literally Beth and I were the very last people in the race... but still, there were people standing on the sidelines cheering. There were several points during the course where I just wanted to give up, I was getting tired, it was uphill, my legs and feet were killing me... but we kept going... sadly, after about 2.25 miles, we got lost, yes, I said lost... because we were so behind everyone else, there was nobody directing the runners/walkers anymore and we took a wrong turn that ended up with us at the finish line, without actually finishing the entire race...  it was kind of funny really... but hey, what can you do... I am still claiming that I finished the race LOL and it was a fun evening! 

Later on in the week the race got me thinking just about how in life we all need people on the sidelines cheering us on... even when life seems hard, and it's all uphill, we need someone who will tell us to "hang in there" or "keep going".... people who will stay by our side through the difficult times... we all need cheerleaders just to get by... and luckily I am blessed to have many cheerleaders in my life..  and I can't tell you how much you all mean to me!  I am truly one lucky chick! 

Just for fun

This is how I am feeling today.... Just thought I would share it!  LOL

I'd rather be a comma

So one of my favorite feel good songs is "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" by Coldplay. I could seriously listen to this song over and over again.. it just makes me happy.   One of my favorite lines from it is... "I'd rather be a comma than a full stop" which I have now kind of turned into a life "mantra"..... I'd rather be a comma...

The last couple of weeks have been a little bit crazy, busy, stressful, overwhelming and I had a viral infection for about a week and a half where all I did was cough all day...and I mean all day and night long, I felt awful, crappy, and even missed like 4 days of work.  I also had my roommate move out and been trying to find a new one, and dealing with all that, I have gone out on a couple of dates and trying to balance that with the rest of my friends and family, and because I have been sick, and all the other stuff, I really have not been very diligent or focused on my weight loss efforts.  Because I have been feeling so crappy the past couple of weeks I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks, I haven't been consistently writing down what I eat and paying attention to calories/ww points, I have ate out more than I should and haven't made all the right choices and I have even fallen back into my old habit of "over booking" myself.  With all this going on though I NEVER once thought... "I'm just going to give up, this weight loss thing is too hard"... no, it was more like "I really miss the gym, I need to feel better soon" or "I need to feel better so I can go back to planning and prepping my meals instead of going out or just grabbing something".  When I am going to the gym, doing my meal planning, writing down what I eat, attending my weight watchers meeting and and updating my blog... I feel more in control of my life, and I have missed feeling in control for the past couple of weeks!  I went to the gym yesterday and it felt AWESOME!   So even though I took a brief "pause" for the past couple of weeks.. I did not come to a "full stop"... yay!  It was also a great reminder to me of how important this journey is for me...there will be "pauses" along the way I am sure, but I don't want to ever come to a "full stop".  So, I am writing this for all of you who may be on "pause" for a bit as well as a reminder to keep going... don't stop.  I am also writing this so when I come to a "pause" again, I can remember why I started in the first place.. to feel better and more in control of my life. 

Thanks again for following my blog and all your supportive comments!  Take a minute to listen to the song, even if you have already heard it a million times, I think it deserves another listen, especially to the lyrics...

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly....

Where has September gone?  Seriously, it is going to be Fall in just a few days.  This summer has flown by.  I don't know why, but I am having writers block or something and I can't think of anything really witty or charming to say in this post, but I thought I needed to post... so, it's going to be a bunch of random thoughts...Good, Bad and Ugly

The Good:
Several times over the past week or so when I didn't want to go to the gym or track my points... I did it anyway... so whoot whoot!   There was a night last week when I didn't want to go to the gym or my weight watchers meeting but I basically talked myself into going, and then since I had already gone to the gym, I was able to talk myself into going to my weigh in, lost 1.2 pounds... so I am glad I did.  One of the good things as well, is that even though the weight loss has been slow... I am still committed to it and still going to the gym and trying (some days are better than others) to follow the weight watchers plan and track everything... but I'm still here!  Yay!   I just keep thinking that even if I only loose 25 pounds every 8 months, that is still 25 pounds less than I was 8 months ago... so, regardless of how fast or slow it comes off... it's still coming off  so YAY!  Oh, and somebody actually noticed my weight loss and asked if I had been losing weight.. so, that is also exciting and a really good thing.  I also was really proud of myself over the past couple of weeks paying better attention to serving sizes...  I had purchased this very small container (I think like the half pint) of ice cream in my new favorite flavor Black Raspberry Dark Chocolate (it is the Premium Select Brand from Smith's) and instead of just eating the container in one serving, I followed the portion sizes which was 4 servings (very, very small servings) and ate it over a week.  I know, it seems like a stupid thing to be proud of, but to me, it is proof of some of the small changes that I am making on this journey to become healthier and lose weight.

The Bad:
So I am still struggling to figure out how to still be able to eat out with friends, but stay within my weight watchers points.  I don't know why but social eating is a big thing for me and when I am out at a great restaurant surrounded by amazingly delicious food choices...it's hard for me to always choose the "grilled chicken" option.  For example next week I am going with some friends from out of town to Red Lobster...like I am not going to eat one or two of their amazing cheesy biscuits and some sort of seafood covered in butter... I only go there like twice a year and I am not going to just order the grilled chicken, that would not be any fun at all!  So friends, any ideas on how I can do better with staying within my points while eating out?

 The Ugly:
Well, at my work luncheon the other day I ate 3 desserts from Kneaders (they were however darn delicious and worth all 25 points).... I also had been craving a hamburger, for like a week and I finally broke down and went to the drive thru on one of my lunch breaks and got one of these babies... the Jr. Pastrami Burger....oh, it is like heaven, so tasty.  When people ask me what my hypothetical last meal would be it usually involves Crown Burger..although if it was my last meal I would order the Jr Crown.. but would go for the big one.. the full Crown, the heart attack in a bag.  Anyway, I digress.. I guess the good thing about my lunch date with Crown Burger would be that I recorded it in my daily points, even though I didn't want to (it's a lot of calories... and a ton of points) and I got back on track the next day.   

So there you have it friends.. my life for the past couple of weeks, well not everything about my life LOL... so thanks for following, and I always welcome any suggestions from readers or things you all have found successful in your weight loss journey. 

 

Thanks for following!

Pity Party for One...

Welcome to my "pity party for one" post..I think everyone has those days when they feel a little discouraged and throw themselves a "pity party for one".. so this blog is about my latest party...

For some reason I have been feeling a little discouraged this past week...yes, sometimes I get discouraged.. trust me, it is just as hard for me to admit this as it is for you all to believe it about me.. LOL.  Anyway, several things happened... I found out that a guy I had been talking to that I met online had recently been arrested then let out on bail and prior to that spent time in an Idaho prison, of course none of this was disclosed to me by him, I found it out by using my super duper investigation skills, and once I found out and called him on it I promptly cancelled my date and block him from ever contacting me again.... all I can say is good thing that I am a safety gal when it comes to online "dating" and do a bunch of online search to make sure they are not some sort of criminal... no matter how nice they come across or how innocent they look..my single lady friends, you NEED to do a search before you go out with them.. sorry, I digress... anyway the whole thing just left me kind of discouraged and disappointed... seriously, are there any good, honest, genuine, straight, faithful single men out there...I certainly have yet to meet any, sad but true.  To get over this discouragement I called on some of my favorite peeps to spend the weekend with....I had so much fun with each one of them and I was quickly reminded of how great my life is, and how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends who are filled with positivity, love and laughter.  I have a really blessed life..with or without a man and I started to feel a whole lot better... seriously, no party is fun when you are by yourself... and pity parties are NEVER fun... so I would much rather party it up with my peeps.

I was also feeling a little discouraged that despite tracking my food intake, not eating out for two weeks, and going to the gym my weight loss journey has been slow, very slow and it will probably continue to be slow considering that I have about 100 more pounds to lose..this is going to be a long, long, long journey... it seems like every time I have tried to lose weight in the past, I get to the exact same weight that I am at now, and I get discouraged about how much I have left to lose and I give up... and I don't want to give up this time.. Today when I was out with one of my fabulous friends we went out for lunch and I ordered a appetizer, entree and we split a dessert because I kind of had a "screw it all moment" and just ate what I wanted.  After eating all that food, it's not like it made me feel any better or less discouraged, I mostly just felt overly full and out of control with the eating.  In my mind I was also thinking about not going to the gym tonight... but then it happened.. the boost I needed.  While we were at the movie theater I ran into a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in about 3-4 months and one of the first things she said to me was "Camille you look like you have lost weight, have you".  Now this friend doesn't know anything about me and my blog, my desire to lose weight or even that I have been going to the gym... but she noticed!  Yay!  God bless Luisa for noticing and commenting on my efforts!  Seriously, I didn't think anyone could see a difference, including myself (although a lot of my clothes are even loser than they normally are).  That brief little interaction was all I needed to get me out of my "funk", and not only did I go to the gym, but I also packed my meals for the week and tracked all the food that I ate for the day...which was scary... basically I ate 80 weight watcher points today... I'm only supposed to eat 47 each day... but it doesn't matter, I tracked my food, went to the gym and prepared for the rest of the week...so I am back on track.. this "pity party for one" is OVER!  This is going to be a good week... I can feel it! 

4 Hours of Work= 1 Week of Deliciousness

LA couple of weeks I was inspired by my friend and gym buddy Jen to "kick things up a notch" and follow her example of spending one day a week making food for the upcoming week.  She has been doing this for a little while now and told me how much it helps her out during the week... plus, she has lost some weight by doing so, and I thought.. why shouldn't I give it a try as well.... so I did.  The last two Sundays I spent about 3-4 hours fixing meals for the week...all my meals for the week, including breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.. impressive right?  Yeah, sometimes I even impress myself with the stuff I can do when I put my mind to it LOL.  I will admit, the first week it took a lot, and I mean a lot of planning and prep work, first you have to make a menu, then put together a shopping list, go shopping, then come home and prepare everything.. and then there is the worst part of it... the clean up... but I can honestly tell you that it has been so worth it!  It has been so wonderful to come home every night and already have something delicious ready to eat, with little or no prep... and very, very, little clean up!  What has been even more exciting is preparing my lunch for the next day.. it takes like 2 minutes because again, everything has already been prepared, I just have to throw it into my lunch box and I am ready to go.  It was such a success last week that I decided to do it again this Sunday...whew.. so yesterday I did all my shopping and today, all the cooking.. and now look at my fridge... I feel like it could be pinterest worthy it's so organized.. LOL

   
I will post some of the recipes of the things I made... everything turned out delicious.. and healthy, but until then, here are a few pictures of my creations....

Roasted Corn and Tomato Soup

Chicken Skewers with Garlic Roasted Green Beans

Mini Egg Cups with Ham

Other things I made were berry cups, Charred Corn, Brown Rice & Black Bean salad, and chicken salad sandwiches.  There are a couple of tricks I have learned from doing this two weeks in a row...

1.  Go to the farmers market... so much fresh delicious produce at really reasonable prices (I go ever Saturday during the summer... it's like a tradition for me) and plan your menu around what's in season

2.  Buy stackable (if you don't have it already), reusable Tupperware so it will easily fit in the fridge and you don't have a bunch of random sized containers that you try and shove in there

3.  Cut up vegetables and bag them in individual servings so you can just "grab and go"

4.  Costco is your friend... even if you are only cooking for one... seriously, they have a lot of yummy "pre-cooked" meats that will save you a ton of time, like pre cooked bacon and chicken

5.  Line your baking sheets with tin-foil when roasting anything... saves sooo much time on the clean-up

6.  Be creative.. who would have thought to cook scrambled eggs in muffin tins... not me, luckily there is Pinterest...

Well ... I think that is all for now folks... thanks again for following.  I would love to hear from you all on any ideas that you have for plan ahead meals... and/or your tips and tricks! 

I survived week 1 of NO eating out!

So... I did it!  I survived 1 whole week without eating out!  Yay!  Now to survive week two.  I got on the scale today and I am down 3 pounds... and I am pretty sure that not eating out, and pre planning and cooking all my meals for the week is the reason why.  I have had to get really creative on getting my social fix, since eating out has always been a big part of it.. but so far so good.  On Saturday instead of eating out with my good friend Cheree, we made lunch at her house and were able to just hang out and talk... oh, and plan her upcoming wedding..and you all know how much I love to party plan... so good day!  I will admit that I have really been craving a hamburger.. and I don't really eat hamburgers all that much, but of course you always seem to crave the things that you can't have... or at least I do.  Now the trick for me is going to be to incorporate eating out... but on a limited basis and learning to make healthy choices when eating out and not using it as an excuse to "go crazy" and eat whatever I want.  So wish me luck on week two!

My name is Camille, and I am a social eater...

Yes, I am going to admit it... I am a social eater.  I have never been one to "eat my feelings", I rarely have anything in my house that would be considered "junk food".. I don't keep ice cream, chips, cookies or even chocolate in my house (never have), I really don't love fast food other than an occasional Jr. pastrami burger from Crown Burger..and a sandwich from Subway, but that is really it... but I LOVE, Love, love good food and being with friends, so I find myself eating out a lot... and way more than I should. 


Eating out with 2 of my besties... I hope they don't mind I used the pic LOL

When you love food, food becomes more of an activity than just away to feed your body.  Most people would consider me a "foodie" I could watch the Food Network 24/7, and I love trying new restaurants, I love local places, fun eateries, pizzerias and just darn good food.  I also love being with my friends... so over the years I have learned to combine my love of food with my love of friends and I end up eating out a lot, which means I spend a lot of money of food.  I also have been blessed to know a lot of really great people from different work/social circles that I have become really close with over the years, along with my core group of amazing life long friends that I have known for many years... so I have a lot of people to eat out with.  I am also a "yellow" personality I love to be social so... again, eating out for me became the easiest (and yummiest) way to spend time being with great people.   I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but this week alone (which was a typical week for me) I went out to dinner/lunch with different friends 5 times (Zupa's twice, Kneader, Texas Roadhouse, and Green Papaya)... and of course, it was fun, and delicious... but very hard to track let alone stay within my weight watchers points...  I hope none of this comes off as conceited... it sounds a little egocentric, but I am not meaning it to be.. just trying to explain why it is that I eat out a lot.

All this eating out does reflect a lot on the scales... and no matter how much I exercise.. if I don't stop all of this social eating.. I am never going to lose the weight I need to.  I have decided to offer myself a challenge... for the next 2 weeks... I will NOT eat out at all.  Yep, you heard it... I am abstaining from eating out for 2 whole weeks.  This one is going to be tough for me... really, really, really tough, and I am going to need all the support I can get from you all...and your words of encouragement.. it is going to be an interesting 2 weeks, and I will definitely keep you posted! 

Sweating the small stuff...

I know, I know, isn't it "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"... yes, it is, but I have changed it to "Do Sweat the small stuff... why you ask...well, let me tell you.

The other night I started to have a mini pity party for myself over this boy that I had recently briefly dated.  We met online, the relationship came on pretty fast and furious...I got kind of overwhelmed that everything seemed to be happening so fast.. and I found myself really wanting to go to the gym to work off some of the stress I was feeling.  Then, several weeks later, just as fast as the relationship started, it ended.. or I think it ended... not sure, he just seemed to disappear.. and once again I found myself stressed about things (yes friends.. relationships STRESS me out) and had a desire to go to the gym to "feel better".  One night last week when I was feeling particularly bummed out about things (okay so I was having a pity party for one)... I decided to get out of the house and go to the gym instead of staying at home and wallowing in self doubt and pity.  At the gym I worked out hard, probably harder than I have in the past couple of months... I had my music blasting, and I kicked butt on that elliptical and ARC machines... when I was done, I felt AWESOME!  I felt strong, proud, and in control, I guess I would say that I felt empowered.  I walked away with a new perspective on things and feeling happy (I also spent 15 minutes in the massage chairs...which might have helped as well).  So instead of turning to food for comfort, I turned to the gym.  Go me!  Yay!  When I got home I went to fill out my exercise log that I have been keeping and noticed that I had made it to the gym 4 times per week for the past 7 weeks!  I have formed a habit!  So instead of spending the night feeling rejected, sad, lonely, and angry... I spent an hour at the gym and and the rest of the night feeling empowered, strong, in control and accomplished... a way better option that a pity party for one.  In essence, I literally "sweated" over some small stuff in my life... and felt great.. so, my new motto is "Do Sweat out the small stuff". 

I think I might have actually made going to the gym a habit, and a priority, and in doing that I have been able to maintain my weight loss over the past couple of weeks even with a road trip, the beginning and end of a new relationship, craziness at work, and two weeks of my sister and her family being in town which included a lot of potlucks and access to sweets and chips...  during all of that, I still made it to the gym, and as a result, stayed the EXACT same weight.  Maybe the gym is becoming my new "comfort food"...  woot woot!  I guess this means that I am progressing on the "real changes" I need to be more healthy and lose the weight.. and I need to start a new exericse log! 

Anyway, thanks for your support everyone and for letting me ramble on!  Love you all! 

Free Space

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been doing a lot of thinking, and I thought I would share some of my "deep thoughts" with you...well, as deep as my thoughts actually get.. I promise, they do relate to weight loss and getting healthy... but you know me, I'm kind of long winded and not the best writer.. but here it goes:

As I said in my first post, at the beginning of January I had this "ah ha" moment where a took a hard look at my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.. and decided that I needed to make some changes in many areas of my life in order to move forward.  I guess I was feeling a little "stuck in a rut", and I wanted out of the rut.  It's not like I was unhappy with my life, I wasn't... I am and have always been extremely happy and grateful for my life and have always tried to live every minute of it...but, none the less, I was feeling "stuck"... stuck in relationships, stuck in situations that weren't making me happy, stuck in my job, stuck in being overweight, ect.  I guess to sum it up, I was stuck in apathy.... 

Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life.

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "Flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness).

This "ah ha" moment came after I had gotten into a sticky situation at work and I felt extremely powerless to get out of it... the whole situation is a long story, but basically, I got caught up in some  "drama" with several very negative and disgruntled employees at my job.  I think because people have always felt comfortable coming to me with their problems... many people in the office would come to me and well, in listening to them, I too started focusing on all of the negative things about my job..and I ended up being called on the carpet for it by my boss.. she expressed her concerns that I had become negative and gossipy and that she was disappointed in me.  I was so disheartened by the whole situation disengaged from almost everyone and everything at my work... and for those who know me well... that is totally not me.  I have always taken pride in my work ethic and have always considered  myself to be a really good team member and employee.  The situation left me kind of powerless...at least that is what I thought....then one day, things changed and I had the "ah ha" moment.  This moment happened at a staff meeting in which our boss had invited someone from our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to come and talk to us about our EAP benefits.  Up until that point, I didn't even know we had EAP benefits, but the discussion sparked my interest so I listened carefully as the presenter talked about how we (each employee) had access to free therapy benefits to help us with any life situation we were dealing with, or even just problems we were having at work.  It was like a light went on and I saw a way to get some help talking through a couple of things that had been weighing me down... so immediately following the meeting, I called and made an appointment... and that my friends, is where the change began.  Now, I have never seen a therapist, and I never really thought I needed to see a therapist because I wasn't feeling depressed but when the offer of free short term "life assistance" was offered, it was like I felt someone had thrown me rope to help me out of some of the negative and consuming life situations I had gotten myself into.  So, that is when I committed to myself that 2012 was going to MY year, it was going to be the year that I take back control of my life.... and I was going to get out of that "rut" I have been in for the past several years.. 

My sessions with my therapist were AWESOME.  It was like having my own personal life coach to help me analyze what was going good and what wasn't with my life and how I could change things.  We discussed many, many things.. but one of my favorite sessions was when discussed how the "old Camille" would handle things and how the "new me" could handle things.  As we were talking, he got out his laptop and said, "I am writing these down, so you can remember them and see them everyday", seven months later.. I still have that piece of paper hanging on my wall so I can read it everyday.. and I do and here is what it says:

"My past does not determine my future"

"I am as valuable of a person as everyone else"

"Just because I have had some negative experiences, it doesn't mean they have to

control my life"

When we read them out loud at that session, I began to cry...not because I was sad, but because I was happy.  It felt like for the first time in my life somebody had given me permission to let go... that it was okay to move forward...and that I deserved to take control of my life.... it felt AWESOME and so empowering... 

After that meeting, I made a decision that there were a couple of people in my life who I had somewhat unhealthy relationships with that I needed to cut ties with in order to move forward in my own life, and take care of me.  I also needed to fix the situation at my work, along with do something about my weight.  Letting go of some of the people in my life was hard... really, really, really hard.. but it needed to be done.  Taking back control of my situation at work was really, really, really hard as well.. but I did it, and I have gotten nothing but praise from my bosses since then ( I was even one of the very few in the office that got a raise).   I also made the commitment to start going to the gym and watch more closely what I eat.  Since January I have lost 20 pounds... and I am now regularly going to the gym and pushing myself harder at the gym than I ever have before.. and I feel great. I even joined a online dating website...yep, you heard it... and have gone out on more dates since January then I have been on in the last 5 years... (some good..some not so good LOL).  Of course the last 7 months have had their ups and downs.. but overall turning 40 and 2012 have been AMAZING.. and it is only going to get better. 

When I was talking to one of my really wise friends the other day, she made a super insightful observation about this year for me... she said "Camille look at all the progress you have made on your 2012 goal of taking care of you... by getting rid of the negative in your life, it has freed up your time to let the positive back into it....and has left some space for God to let good things come into your life".. and she was right!  I now have the emotional "free space" to let good things back into my life, and may good things have come back into my life over the past year.  I have been able to reconnect with some wonderful people from my past that for some reason, maybe because I was so consumed with the negative situations in my life,  we lost contact with each other.. and reconnecting with them has brought some incredible blessing to me and I am incredibly grateful.  I have also had the emotional free space to accomplish some things that I have been wanting to do for a long time... like enjoying the beauty of nature, spending more time with family and friends, and even a little dating ... of course, I still have things that I am working on.. like taking care of my finances and cleaning out my room and getting rid of stuff I don't need... but baby steps right?

So, why did I share all of this with you?  I guess I just want to thank you for being a part of my life and for supporting me and encouraging me to continue on in my journey.  I would also like to offer a challenge to you, my readers, to take a few minutes to look at the things in your lives that may be halting you from moving forward... taking up all your "free space"...  and if there are those "space invaders" I would encourage you to make the changes necessary to make room, clear some emotional space, so that God can fill it with all the good things He has in store for you, and each of us.

Love you all!  Thanks for following!

Strength

So the past week or so has been crazy...mostly great, but some parts a little tough.  One of the things that made it a little rough was that at my last weigh in, I gained 2 pounds.  Yes, you heard it... I am admitting that I gained.  At first I was a little bit upset at myself, discouraged, frustrated, and felt like giving up... I even caught myself thinking "why do I even try, I'm never going to lose this weight"?  I thought about leaving before the WW meeting because I was so discouraged....but I didn't, I stayed and I am so glad I did.  We had a great discussion about how everyone is going to have moments of discouragement during their weight loss journey, we are all going to "slip up", all of us will have moments when we gain, plateau,  or not follow our food plan perfectly or even make excuses to not go to the gym... and in those moments, along with "life moments" we have the opportunity to just give up... or to start again.. and with the support and love of my family & friends (all of you), I am choosing to be strong.. and start again! 

A couple of weeks ago at one of my WW meetings, this lady come into the classroom sobbing.. and I don't mean just crying, but literally sobbing.  Someone had asked her why she crying and she could barely get out the words.. but ended up saying "I did it, I finally did it.. I hit my 100 pound weight loss".  At that point the whole room burst out into cheers and clapping, it was really inspiring.. but what was more inspiring is listening to her talk about her "journey".  She said it had taken her 7 years to loose the weight.. 7 years!  That's a whole lot of perseverance, starting over and over again and picking herself up when knocked down... but she did it!  So, although I am hoping it doesn't take me 7 years to lose the weight I need... it was a great reminder to hang in there... good things come to those who put in the blood sweat and tears... to those who persist and continue to start over, even when it's tough.. which I think is good advice both in weight loss and life in general.  Be strong friends!

Thanks for letting me share the ramblings of my of the week with you!   Love you all! 

What the scale DOESN'T tell us

Today was my weigh in day at Weight Watchers (WW).. and for the second week in a row, I stayed the exact same weight! Yep! I have been working out 4-5 times per week, tracking all of my points and staying within my allotment... yet, I have still stayed virtually the exact same weight (I guess I did go down .4ounces today). So that said... I had a BREIF moment of discouragement but the thought of giving up did NOT even cross my mind.. not even once... now I would say, that is progress! The old me would have seen that number on the scale again for the second week in a row and said to hell with it......but not the new me! The scale does not... and I repeat.. does not know everything!

What my scale and that number doesn't tell me and others is how much better I feel since I have been working out... how much stronger I feel, how much more in control of my life I feel. Several months ago I could barely finish 10 minutes on the elliptical...now, I can do 3 miles on that same machine in 35 minutes. It doesn't tell me how great I have done when eating out with friends by choosing an extra side of vegetables instead of the potato option that I really wanted. It doesn't tell me how much looser my clothes are fitting, or how much less IBU I have been taking each day for back problems... all it gives me is a number. That's it! A number.. nothing more!

This experience really got me thinking....why do we focus so much on the scale and not how we feel. Why do we rely on the scale to tell us if we have had a good week or a bad week (or day for those of you who weigh yourselves daily). Why do we let that number determine how we feel about ourselves? Why do we give the scale the power to make us discouraged and want to give up, or motivate us starve ourselves just so that damn number can go down? Seriously, the scale can only give us a number... It doesn't know how fabulous we are.. and we are way more important that a number.

Anyway, those were my random thoughts for the day! Don't forget that friends... you are all fabulous and I feel blessed to know each and every one of you! Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me on this journey! You ROCK!