Pity Party for One...

Welcome to my "pity party for one" post..I think everyone has those days when they feel a little discouraged and throw themselves a "pity party for one".. so this blog is about my latest party...

For some reason I have been feeling a little discouraged this past week...yes, sometimes I get discouraged.. trust me, it is just as hard for me to admit this as it is for you all to believe it about me.. LOL.  Anyway, several things happened... I found out that a guy I had been talking to that I met online had recently been arrested then let out on bail and prior to that spent time in an Idaho prison, of course none of this was disclosed to me by him, I found it out by using my super duper investigation skills, and once I found out and called him on it I promptly cancelled my date and block him from ever contacting me again.... all I can say is good thing that I am a safety gal when it comes to online "dating" and do a bunch of online search to make sure they are not some sort of criminal... no matter how nice they come across or how innocent they look..my single lady friends, you NEED to do a search before you go out with them.. sorry, I digress... anyway the whole thing just left me kind of discouraged and disappointed... seriously, are there any good, honest, genuine, straight, faithful single men out there...I certainly have yet to meet any, sad but true.  To get over this discouragement I called on some of my favorite peeps to spend the weekend with....I had so much fun with each one of them and I was quickly reminded of how great my life is, and how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends who are filled with positivity, love and laughter.  I have a really blessed life..with or without a man and I started to feel a whole lot better... seriously, no party is fun when you are by yourself... and pity parties are NEVER fun... so I would much rather party it up with my peeps.

I was also feeling a little discouraged that despite tracking my food intake, not eating out for two weeks, and going to the gym my weight loss journey has been slow, very slow and it will probably continue to be slow considering that I have about 100 more pounds to lose..this is going to be a long, long, long journey... it seems like every time I have tried to lose weight in the past, I get to the exact same weight that I am at now, and I get discouraged about how much I have left to lose and I give up... and I don't want to give up this time.. Today when I was out with one of my fabulous friends we went out for lunch and I ordered a appetizer, entree and we split a dessert because I kind of had a "screw it all moment" and just ate what I wanted.  After eating all that food, it's not like it made me feel any better or less discouraged, I mostly just felt overly full and out of control with the eating.  In my mind I was also thinking about not going to the gym tonight... but then it happened.. the boost I needed.  While we were at the movie theater I ran into a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in about 3-4 months and one of the first things she said to me was "Camille you look like you have lost weight, have you".  Now this friend doesn't know anything about me and my blog, my desire to lose weight or even that I have been going to the gym... but she noticed!  Yay!  God bless Luisa for noticing and commenting on my efforts!  Seriously, I didn't think anyone could see a difference, including myself (although a lot of my clothes are even loser than they normally are).  That brief little interaction was all I needed to get me out of my "funk", and not only did I go to the gym, but I also packed my meals for the week and tracked all the food that I ate for the day...which was scary... basically I ate 80 weight watcher points today... I'm only supposed to eat 47 each day... but it doesn't matter, I tracked my food, went to the gym and prepared for the rest of the week...so I am back on track.. this "pity party for one" is OVER!  This is going to be a good week... I can feel it! 

My name is Camille, and I am a social eater...

Yes, I am going to admit it... I am a social eater.  I have never been one to "eat my feelings", I rarely have anything in my house that would be considered "junk food".. I don't keep ice cream, chips, cookies or even chocolate in my house (never have), I really don't love fast food other than an occasional Jr. pastrami burger from Crown Burger..and a sandwich from Subway, but that is really it... but I LOVE, Love, love good food and being with friends, so I find myself eating out a lot... and way more than I should. 


Eating out with 2 of my besties... I hope they don't mind I used the pic LOL

When you love food, food becomes more of an activity than just away to feed your body.  Most people would consider me a "foodie" I could watch the Food Network 24/7, and I love trying new restaurants, I love local places, fun eateries, pizzerias and just darn good food.  I also love being with my friends... so over the years I have learned to combine my love of food with my love of friends and I end up eating out a lot, which means I spend a lot of money of food.  I also have been blessed to know a lot of really great people from different work/social circles that I have become really close with over the years, along with my core group of amazing life long friends that I have known for many years... so I have a lot of people to eat out with.  I am also a "yellow" personality I love to be social so... again, eating out for me became the easiest (and yummiest) way to spend time being with great people.   I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but this week alone (which was a typical week for me) I went out to dinner/lunch with different friends 5 times (Zupa's twice, Kneader, Texas Roadhouse, and Green Papaya)... and of course, it was fun, and delicious... but very hard to track let alone stay within my weight watchers points...  I hope none of this comes off as conceited... it sounds a little egocentric, but I am not meaning it to be.. just trying to explain why it is that I eat out a lot.

All this eating out does reflect a lot on the scales... and no matter how much I exercise.. if I don't stop all of this social eating.. I am never going to lose the weight I need to.  I have decided to offer myself a challenge... for the next 2 weeks... I will NOT eat out at all.  Yep, you heard it... I am abstaining from eating out for 2 whole weeks.  This one is going to be tough for me... really, really, really tough, and I am going to need all the support I can get from you all...and your words of encouragement.. it is going to be an interesting 2 weeks, and I will definitely keep you posted! 

Free Space

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been doing a lot of thinking, and I thought I would share some of my "deep thoughts" with you...well, as deep as my thoughts actually get.. I promise, they do relate to weight loss and getting healthy... but you know me, I'm kind of long winded and not the best writer.. but here it goes:

As I said in my first post, at the beginning of January I had this "ah ha" moment where a took a hard look at my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.. and decided that I needed to make some changes in many areas of my life in order to move forward.  I guess I was feeling a little "stuck in a rut", and I wanted out of the rut.  It's not like I was unhappy with my life, I wasn't... I am and have always been extremely happy and grateful for my life and have always tried to live every minute of it...but, none the less, I was feeling "stuck"... stuck in relationships, stuck in situations that weren't making me happy, stuck in my job, stuck in being overweight, ect.  I guess to sum it up, I was stuck in apathy.... 

Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life.

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "Flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness).

This "ah ha" moment came after I had gotten into a sticky situation at work and I felt extremely powerless to get out of it... the whole situation is a long story, but basically, I got caught up in some  "drama" with several very negative and disgruntled employees at my job.  I think because people have always felt comfortable coming to me with their problems... many people in the office would come to me and well, in listening to them, I too started focusing on all of the negative things about my job..and I ended up being called on the carpet for it by my boss.. she expressed her concerns that I had become negative and gossipy and that she was disappointed in me.  I was so disheartened by the whole situation disengaged from almost everyone and everything at my work... and for those who know me well... that is totally not me.  I have always taken pride in my work ethic and have always considered  myself to be a really good team member and employee.  The situation left me kind of powerless...at least that is what I thought....then one day, things changed and I had the "ah ha" moment.  This moment happened at a staff meeting in which our boss had invited someone from our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to come and talk to us about our EAP benefits.  Up until that point, I didn't even know we had EAP benefits, but the discussion sparked my interest so I listened carefully as the presenter talked about how we (each employee) had access to free therapy benefits to help us with any life situation we were dealing with, or even just problems we were having at work.  It was like a light went on and I saw a way to get some help talking through a couple of things that had been weighing me down... so immediately following the meeting, I called and made an appointment... and that my friends, is where the change began.  Now, I have never seen a therapist, and I never really thought I needed to see a therapist because I wasn't feeling depressed but when the offer of free short term "life assistance" was offered, it was like I felt someone had thrown me rope to help me out of some of the negative and consuming life situations I had gotten myself into.  So, that is when I committed to myself that 2012 was going to MY year, it was going to be the year that I take back control of my life.... and I was going to get out of that "rut" I have been in for the past several years.. 

My sessions with my therapist were AWESOME.  It was like having my own personal life coach to help me analyze what was going good and what wasn't with my life and how I could change things.  We discussed many, many things.. but one of my favorite sessions was when discussed how the "old Camille" would handle things and how the "new me" could handle things.  As we were talking, he got out his laptop and said, "I am writing these down, so you can remember them and see them everyday", seven months later.. I still have that piece of paper hanging on my wall so I can read it everyday.. and I do and here is what it says:

"My past does not determine my future"

"I am as valuable of a person as everyone else"

"Just because I have had some negative experiences, it doesn't mean they have to

control my life"

When we read them out loud at that session, I began to cry...not because I was sad, but because I was happy.  It felt like for the first time in my life somebody had given me permission to let go... that it was okay to move forward...and that I deserved to take control of my life.... it felt AWESOME and so empowering... 

After that meeting, I made a decision that there were a couple of people in my life who I had somewhat unhealthy relationships with that I needed to cut ties with in order to move forward in my own life, and take care of me.  I also needed to fix the situation at my work, along with do something about my weight.  Letting go of some of the people in my life was hard... really, really, really hard.. but it needed to be done.  Taking back control of my situation at work was really, really, really hard as well.. but I did it, and I have gotten nothing but praise from my bosses since then ( I was even one of the very few in the office that got a raise).   I also made the commitment to start going to the gym and watch more closely what I eat.  Since January I have lost 20 pounds... and I am now regularly going to the gym and pushing myself harder at the gym than I ever have before.. and I feel great. I even joined a online dating website...yep, you heard it... and have gone out on more dates since January then I have been on in the last 5 years... (some good..some not so good LOL).  Of course the last 7 months have had their ups and downs.. but overall turning 40 and 2012 have been AMAZING.. and it is only going to get better. 

When I was talking to one of my really wise friends the other day, she made a super insightful observation about this year for me... she said "Camille look at all the progress you have made on your 2012 goal of taking care of you... by getting rid of the negative in your life, it has freed up your time to let the positive back into it....and has left some space for God to let good things come into your life".. and she was right!  I now have the emotional "free space" to let good things back into my life, and may good things have come back into my life over the past year.  I have been able to reconnect with some wonderful people from my past that for some reason, maybe because I was so consumed with the negative situations in my life,  we lost contact with each other.. and reconnecting with them has brought some incredible blessing to me and I am incredibly grateful.  I have also had the emotional free space to accomplish some things that I have been wanting to do for a long time... like enjoying the beauty of nature, spending more time with family and friends, and even a little dating ... of course, I still have things that I am working on.. like taking care of my finances and cleaning out my room and getting rid of stuff I don't need... but baby steps right?

So, why did I share all of this with you?  I guess I just want to thank you for being a part of my life and for supporting me and encouraging me to continue on in my journey.  I would also like to offer a challenge to you, my readers, to take a few minutes to look at the things in your lives that may be halting you from moving forward... taking up all your "free space"...  and if there are those "space invaders" I would encourage you to make the changes necessary to make room, clear some emotional space, so that God can fill it with all the good things He has in store for you, and each of us.

Love you all!  Thanks for following!

The Journey

Last week after our workout, a friend of mine gave me this piece of paper with the following saying on it to help keep us motivated and remind us what it will take to be successful on our weight loss journey and I thought I would share it with you:

It will hurt.

It will take time.

It will require dedication.

It will require willpower.

You will need to make healthy decisions.

It requires sacrifice.

You will need to push your body to its max.

There will be temptation.

But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, it’s worth it!

I took that piece of paper and hung it up on the wall in my room so I can see it every day as a little reminder of what I have to do and to stick with things.  The other day when I was having a hard time motivating myself to get to the gym, I sent a text to one of my friends for some support and her message back to me was "You can do it.  Read the paper Jen gave us "... as I read through that paper it was all I needed to encourage me to get my butt into the gym. 

I know this journey we are on is going to take a long time, and like this quote says.. a lot of sacrifice.. but I know in the end, it will be worth it!  Thank you Jen and Beth for your motivation this week!  I needed it. 

I have made sign with this saying on it, so if you would like to print it out for yourself,

 just click the link below:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sRmNQWXRHQmc1clk

The compulsive planner in me

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"

So, I am a list maker... shocking I know.. but I love to make "To Do" list and cross each item off as I do it.  Yes, I am a nerd like that, but I find that it really helps me stay focused, and to be able to celebrate accomplishments.  Along with being a list maker, I am also an obsessive "planner".  Again, no surprise by those who know me.   I compulsively start each with with a "To Do" list for both home and work, along with a menu plan for the week.  I even plan out my social events.. I like to know by Tuesday or Wednesday that I will have some fun plans for the weekend, I don't necessarily need to have planed out what I will be doing on the weekend, but more like just have the security of knowing I will have something fun to do on my days off.  Weird... I know!  I am finding that this quirky planning skill I have is coming in handy with my goal of trying to be healthy.  I love recording when I go to the gym, and planning out my menu each week and creating shopping lists.  I once heard long ago a quote that has stuck with me.. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail", and I have found it to be pretty accurate.   If I don't plan on going to the gym, it is just way to easy to find something else to do in it's place.  If I don't plan out what I will be eating for the week, it is all to easy to order take out or snack all day long.  One thing that I have really loved about my gym (Planet Fitness) is that I can have someone else come along with me, and I am finding that using the buddy system with exercise has really motivated me to go.  I actually have looked forward to going to the gym just so I can see my friends... crazy huh.  I have also found that going with people can motivate me to work harder and longer instead of just going through the motions when I am by myself.  So, thank you friends who count on me to be at the gym with you!  You have made working out so much more fun!   So, I have come up with a couple of forms that have helped me plan and track out my workouts and menu.  I am not sure how to attach them to this post, but I am giving it a try... so

Click here for my Workout Plan/Tracker form:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sRUFvalZvUTRMbFE

And Click here for my Menu Plan/Shopping List form:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sTFhhb2dJcDBvYm8

In the Beginning..

Welcome to my blog!  This May I turned 40 years old!  Yep, you heard me, the big 4-0!  Turning 40 has really made me take a look at my life and some of the things I am happy with, and some of the things I am not so happy with.  One of the things I am the least happy about is my weight, and how I have let my weight define me, including what I can do and what I can't.  Basically, I have let my weight limit me.  Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  I have always been the "funny fat friend", the one you call when you need cheering up, a night out on the town, a good laugh, a delicious meal.  I have been the "eternal" best friend to many a single man, the supportive friend to others trying to make changes in their life and the comic relief to those going through tough times... and I love that about me, and all of that brings me joy beyond measure, however, it also makes me sad at times.  Throughout the years I have watched several of my friends succeed, and even encouraged them to do so with their weight loss goals, but have not been so encouraging of myself.  Yesterday, I ran into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 2 years and I hardly recognized her.  About 2 1/2 years ago this friend was complaining about her weight and I encouraged her to sign up for weight watchers with me.  We went to meetings together for a couple of months, but my life started to get really busy (I was working 2 jobs) and I stopped going and lost contact with her.  Imagine my surprise when I see her 2 years later and 80 lbs.. yes, I said 80 lbs lighter.. she had stuck with weight watchers and made getting healthy her priority, while I had not.  She looks amazing, while I am still in the same place that I have always been... the "funny fat friend", the one who continues to let my weight control and define who I am... well not anymore! 

At the beginning of 2012, I made a resolution that this was the year that I was going to take care of me!  The year I was going to put self improvement first on my list!  The year that I was going to stick with and succeed at something.  Since January, I have made some huge steps with this in some areas... I started seeing a therapist to work on some of my self limiting behaviors, I took control of some situations that I was not happy with at my job, and I signed up for an online dating website (I could write a whole blog on this topic alone) in an effort to meet some single straight guys.  I also did a lot of thinking about getting healthier, but made no real progress, until now.  About 2 months ago I joined a gym and I actually love working out..I just love hanging out and do fun things with friends, or watching my favorite television shows, or doing other things more.  I seem to always have an excuse of why I am not consistent with my gym attendance.  I have even been paying for Weight Watchers online for the past 6 months, however, I have again not followed that plan consistently, but I have had a couple of "wake up calls"in the past month, and I am determined to make my health a priority, and somehow figure out a way to still have fun while losing weight.  This blog is going to be dedicated to that. 

A few weeks ago I went to Baltimore for work and met up with my wonderful friend Anica who I hadn't seen in 4 years.  She and I had a long discussion about how we both felt like we were ready, willing and able to make the changes in our lives we needed to in order to be healthy.  We came up with a plan, which included us holding each other accountable to stick with things, and weekly check ins with each other or what we like to call "our health hotties check in".  I guess like an online support group since we live thousands of miles apart.  In doing all this it got me thinking that maybe setting up a blog could not only help me but others as well.... so here it is.. my blog.  I title the blog "Real Change" since that is what is necessary in my life in order to get to where I want to be...the "healthy thin funny friend".  After the talk that Anica and I that night on the way back to my hotel we randomly stopped to have someone take our picture.  I didn't realize it until later on but in the picture we are standing in front of a boat with the name "Reel Change".  I think that was more than coincidence, considering our conversation that night, and because of that, I have decided to adopt the motto of "Real Change" as I start this new adventure.  I am hoping, no I am planning on that in a year from now, you will see a thinner, healthier Camille, but until then I will keep you updated through the blog on my progress, trials, success, highs and lows.  Keep on checking back in on the blog and feel free to post your encouraging thoughts, tips, ect.  I would love to hear from you all.  Just keep in mind that I am not a professional blogger so there is bound to be a few formatting hiccups along the way!  If you are interested in being a contributer to this blog and joining in on the weight loss journey.. let me know!  The more healthy hotties.. the better!

                             "Reel Change" - the before picture for Anica and I.. June 6, 2012