Free Space

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been doing a lot of thinking, and I thought I would share some of my "deep thoughts" with you...well, as deep as my thoughts actually get.. I promise, they do relate to weight loss and getting healthy... but you know me, I'm kind of long winded and not the best writer.. but here it goes:

As I said in my first post, at the beginning of January I had this "ah ha" moment where a took a hard look at my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.. and decided that I needed to make some changes in many areas of my life in order to move forward.  I guess I was feeling a little "stuck in a rut", and I wanted out of the rut.  It's not like I was unhappy with my life, I wasn't... I am and have always been extremely happy and grateful for my life and have always tried to live every minute of it...but, none the less, I was feeling "stuck"... stuck in relationships, stuck in situations that weren't making me happy, stuck in my job, stuck in being overweight, ect.  I guess to sum it up, I was stuck in apathy.... 

Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life.

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "Flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness).

This "ah ha" moment came after I had gotten into a sticky situation at work and I felt extremely powerless to get out of it... the whole situation is a long story, but basically, I got caught up in some  "drama" with several very negative and disgruntled employees at my job.  I think because people have always felt comfortable coming to me with their problems... many people in the office would come to me and well, in listening to them, I too started focusing on all of the negative things about my job..and I ended up being called on the carpet for it by my boss.. she expressed her concerns that I had become negative and gossipy and that she was disappointed in me.  I was so disheartened by the whole situation disengaged from almost everyone and everything at my work... and for those who know me well... that is totally not me.  I have always taken pride in my work ethic and have always considered  myself to be a really good team member and employee.  The situation left me kind of powerless...at least that is what I thought....then one day, things changed and I had the "ah ha" moment.  This moment happened at a staff meeting in which our boss had invited someone from our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to come and talk to us about our EAP benefits.  Up until that point, I didn't even know we had EAP benefits, but the discussion sparked my interest so I listened carefully as the presenter talked about how we (each employee) had access to free therapy benefits to help us with any life situation we were dealing with, or even just problems we were having at work.  It was like a light went on and I saw a way to get some help talking through a couple of things that had been weighing me down... so immediately following the meeting, I called and made an appointment... and that my friends, is where the change began.  Now, I have never seen a therapist, and I never really thought I needed to see a therapist because I wasn't feeling depressed but when the offer of free short term "life assistance" was offered, it was like I felt someone had thrown me rope to help me out of some of the negative and consuming life situations I had gotten myself into.  So, that is when I committed to myself that 2012 was going to MY year, it was going to be the year that I take back control of my life.... and I was going to get out of that "rut" I have been in for the past several years.. 

My sessions with my therapist were AWESOME.  It was like having my own personal life coach to help me analyze what was going good and what wasn't with my life and how I could change things.  We discussed many, many things.. but one of my favorite sessions was when discussed how the "old Camille" would handle things and how the "new me" could handle things.  As we were talking, he got out his laptop and said, "I am writing these down, so you can remember them and see them everyday", seven months later.. I still have that piece of paper hanging on my wall so I can read it everyday.. and I do and here is what it says:

"My past does not determine my future"

"I am as valuable of a person as everyone else"

"Just because I have had some negative experiences, it doesn't mean they have to

control my life"

When we read them out loud at that session, I began to cry...not because I was sad, but because I was happy.  It felt like for the first time in my life somebody had given me permission to let go... that it was okay to move forward...and that I deserved to take control of my life.... it felt AWESOME and so empowering... 

After that meeting, I made a decision that there were a couple of people in my life who I had somewhat unhealthy relationships with that I needed to cut ties with in order to move forward in my own life, and take care of me.  I also needed to fix the situation at my work, along with do something about my weight.  Letting go of some of the people in my life was hard... really, really, really hard.. but it needed to be done.  Taking back control of my situation at work was really, really, really hard as well.. but I did it, and I have gotten nothing but praise from my bosses since then ( I was even one of the very few in the office that got a raise).   I also made the commitment to start going to the gym and watch more closely what I eat.  Since January I have lost 20 pounds... and I am now regularly going to the gym and pushing myself harder at the gym than I ever have before.. and I feel great. I even joined a online dating website...yep, you heard it... and have gone out on more dates since January then I have been on in the last 5 years... (some good..some not so good LOL).  Of course the last 7 months have had their ups and downs.. but overall turning 40 and 2012 have been AMAZING.. and it is only going to get better. 

When I was talking to one of my really wise friends the other day, she made a super insightful observation about this year for me... she said "Camille look at all the progress you have made on your 2012 goal of taking care of you... by getting rid of the negative in your life, it has freed up your time to let the positive back into it....and has left some space for God to let good things come into your life".. and she was right!  I now have the emotional "free space" to let good things back into my life, and may good things have come back into my life over the past year.  I have been able to reconnect with some wonderful people from my past that for some reason, maybe because I was so consumed with the negative situations in my life,  we lost contact with each other.. and reconnecting with them has brought some incredible blessing to me and I am incredibly grateful.  I have also had the emotional free space to accomplish some things that I have been wanting to do for a long time... like enjoying the beauty of nature, spending more time with family and friends, and even a little dating ... of course, I still have things that I am working on.. like taking care of my finances and cleaning out my room and getting rid of stuff I don't need... but baby steps right?

So, why did I share all of this with you?  I guess I just want to thank you for being a part of my life and for supporting me and encouraging me to continue on in my journey.  I would also like to offer a challenge to you, my readers, to take a few minutes to look at the things in your lives that may be halting you from moving forward... taking up all your "free space"...  and if there are those "space invaders" I would encourage you to make the changes necessary to make room, clear some emotional space, so that God can fill it with all the good things He has in store for you, and each of us.

Love you all!  Thanks for following!

Strength

So the past week or so has been crazy...mostly great, but some parts a little tough.  One of the things that made it a little rough was that at my last weigh in, I gained 2 pounds.  Yes, you heard it... I am admitting that I gained.  At first I was a little bit upset at myself, discouraged, frustrated, and felt like giving up... I even caught myself thinking "why do I even try, I'm never going to lose this weight"?  I thought about leaving before the WW meeting because I was so discouraged....but I didn't, I stayed and I am so glad I did.  We had a great discussion about how everyone is going to have moments of discouragement during their weight loss journey, we are all going to "slip up", all of us will have moments when we gain, plateau,  or not follow our food plan perfectly or even make excuses to not go to the gym... and in those moments, along with "life moments" we have the opportunity to just give up... or to start again.. and with the support and love of my family & friends (all of you), I am choosing to be strong.. and start again! 

A couple of weeks ago at one of my WW meetings, this lady come into the classroom sobbing.. and I don't mean just crying, but literally sobbing.  Someone had asked her why she crying and she could barely get out the words.. but ended up saying "I did it, I finally did it.. I hit my 100 pound weight loss".  At that point the whole room burst out into cheers and clapping, it was really inspiring.. but what was more inspiring is listening to her talk about her "journey".  She said it had taken her 7 years to loose the weight.. 7 years!  That's a whole lot of perseverance, starting over and over again and picking herself up when knocked down... but she did it!  So, although I am hoping it doesn't take me 7 years to lose the weight I need... it was a great reminder to hang in there... good things come to those who put in the blood sweat and tears... to those who persist and continue to start over, even when it's tough.. which I think is good advice both in weight loss and life in general.  Be strong friends!

Thanks for letting me share the ramblings of my of the week with you!   Love you all! 

What the scale DOESN'T tell us

Today was my weigh in day at Weight Watchers (WW).. and for the second week in a row, I stayed the exact same weight! Yep! I have been working out 4-5 times per week, tracking all of my points and staying within my allotment... yet, I have still stayed virtually the exact same weight (I guess I did go down .4ounces today). So that said... I had a BREIF moment of discouragement but the thought of giving up did NOT even cross my mind.. not even once... now I would say, that is progress! The old me would have seen that number on the scale again for the second week in a row and said to hell with it......but not the new me! The scale does not... and I repeat.. does not know everything!

What my scale and that number doesn't tell me and others is how much better I feel since I have been working out... how much stronger I feel, how much more in control of my life I feel. Several months ago I could barely finish 10 minutes on the elliptical...now, I can do 3 miles on that same machine in 35 minutes. It doesn't tell me how great I have done when eating out with friends by choosing an extra side of vegetables instead of the potato option that I really wanted. It doesn't tell me how much looser my clothes are fitting, or how much less IBU I have been taking each day for back problems... all it gives me is a number. That's it! A number.. nothing more!

This experience really got me thinking....why do we focus so much on the scale and not how we feel. Why do we rely on the scale to tell us if we have had a good week or a bad week (or day for those of you who weigh yourselves daily). Why do we let that number determine how we feel about ourselves? Why do we give the scale the power to make us discouraged and want to give up, or motivate us starve ourselves just so that damn number can go down? Seriously, the scale can only give us a number... It doesn't know how fabulous we are.. and we are way more important that a number.

Anyway, those were my random thoughts for the day! Don't forget that friends... you are all fabulous and I feel blessed to know each and every one of you! Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me on this journey! You ROCK!

My "Songs that Make Me Happy to Workout" Playlist

I am a huge music buff and love cranking up my favorite tunes and dancing around to the beat (of course this only occurs when I am alone in my house).  I've even been known to break out into what I like to call "Car Dancing" when one of my favorite songs comes on the radio which is quite entertaining for the other cars on the road.. I am sure several people at the gym have even noticed me on the eliptical machine swaying with the music.. I have caught myself even humming outloud without noticing it.. obviously... I LOVE MUSIC!  When I started going back to the gym I put together a new playlist to help keep me motivated while working out.  I think there is now like 200 songs on the right now, and I thought I would share a few of them with you, in case you were needed a few new tunes to keep you motivated as well. 

One of my most frequently played workout songs is by Gym Class Heroes called "The Fighter".  I religiously start out every workout with this song because it is so motivating for me.  If you haven't heard this song yet, you can watch the video of it below.  I am seriously obsessed with this song for so many reasons... the most obvious reason is the message.  It reminds me that no matter what your struggle is.. where you came from, or how hard you have it...to  just hang in there and KEEP FIGHTING.

Other songs on my playlist that I've titled "Songs that Make Me Happy to Workout" (yes, that is really what I named it):

Comback Kid - Brett Dennen
Say Hey (I love You)-Michael Franti  and Spearhead
Sexy Back-Justin Timberlake (edited version).... (don't judge me for loving this song)
What Makes you Beautiful - One Direction
Every Teardrop is a Waterfall - Coldplay
Stronger- Kelly Clarkson
Love Today - Mika
Runaway- Mat Kearney
Tonight Tonight - Hot Chelle Ray
Break me Out - The Rescues
Big Girl You are Beautiful - Mika
Love you Like a Love Song - Selena Gomez
Way to the Future - Katie Herzig
Good Girl - Carrie Underwood
Lollipop - Mika
Gonna Get Over You - Sara Bareillis
My Body - Young the Giant (this is the song I listen to towards the end of my workout to keep me motivate to keep going)
Hey Mama - Mat Kearney
Break Your Heart Taio Cruz
Payphone- Maroon 5 (make sure you get the edited version of this song ;)
Dog Days are Over - Florence and the Machine
Called Out in the Dark - Snow Patrol
Someone Like You - Keith Urban
Everybody Talks - Neon Trees
Umbrella - Rihanna
Blame it on the Girls - Mika
Who Knew - Pink
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
Shake it - Metro Station
Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie
If I Never See Your Face Again - Maroon 5 with Rihanna
Ships in the Night - Mat Kearney
Here (In Your Arms)- HelloGoodbye

I would love to hear what some of your favorite workout songs are too so I can add some of them to my list! 

The Journey

Last week after our workout, a friend of mine gave me this piece of paper with the following saying on it to help keep us motivated and remind us what it will take to be successful on our weight loss journey and I thought I would share it with you:

It will hurt.

It will take time.

It will require dedication.

It will require willpower.

You will need to make healthy decisions.

It requires sacrifice.

You will need to push your body to its max.

There will be temptation.

But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, it’s worth it!

I took that piece of paper and hung it up on the wall in my room so I can see it every day as a little reminder of what I have to do and to stick with things.  The other day when I was having a hard time motivating myself to get to the gym, I sent a text to one of my friends for some support and her message back to me was "You can do it.  Read the paper Jen gave us "... as I read through that paper it was all I needed to encourage me to get my butt into the gym. 

I know this journey we are on is going to take a long time, and like this quote says.. a lot of sacrifice.. but I know in the end, it will be worth it!  Thank you Jen and Beth for your motivation this week!  I needed it. 

I have made sign with this saying on it, so if you would like to print it out for yourself,

 just click the link below:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sRmNQWXRHQmc1clk

The compulsive planner in me

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"

So, I am a list maker... shocking I know.. but I love to make "To Do" list and cross each item off as I do it.  Yes, I am a nerd like that, but I find that it really helps me stay focused, and to be able to celebrate accomplishments.  Along with being a list maker, I am also an obsessive "planner".  Again, no surprise by those who know me.   I compulsively start each with with a "To Do" list for both home and work, along with a menu plan for the week.  I even plan out my social events.. I like to know by Tuesday or Wednesday that I will have some fun plans for the weekend, I don't necessarily need to have planed out what I will be doing on the weekend, but more like just have the security of knowing I will have something fun to do on my days off.  Weird... I know!  I am finding that this quirky planning skill I have is coming in handy with my goal of trying to be healthy.  I love recording when I go to the gym, and planning out my menu each week and creating shopping lists.  I once heard long ago a quote that has stuck with me.. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail", and I have found it to be pretty accurate.   If I don't plan on going to the gym, it is just way to easy to find something else to do in it's place.  If I don't plan out what I will be eating for the week, it is all to easy to order take out or snack all day long.  One thing that I have really loved about my gym (Planet Fitness) is that I can have someone else come along with me, and I am finding that using the buddy system with exercise has really motivated me to go.  I actually have looked forward to going to the gym just so I can see my friends... crazy huh.  I have also found that going with people can motivate me to work harder and longer instead of just going through the motions when I am by myself.  So, thank you friends who count on me to be at the gym with you!  You have made working out so much more fun!   So, I have come up with a couple of forms that have helped me plan and track out my workouts and menu.  I am not sure how to attach them to this post, but I am giving it a try... so

Click here for my Workout Plan/Tracker form:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sRUFvalZvUTRMbFE

And Click here for my Menu Plan/Shopping List form:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2MVL2xrU-5sTFhhb2dJcDBvYm8

In the Beginning..

Welcome to my blog!  This May I turned 40 years old!  Yep, you heard me, the big 4-0!  Turning 40 has really made me take a look at my life and some of the things I am happy with, and some of the things I am not so happy with.  One of the things I am the least happy about is my weight, and how I have let my weight define me, including what I can do and what I can't.  Basically, I have let my weight limit me.  Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  I have always been the "funny fat friend", the one you call when you need cheering up, a night out on the town, a good laugh, a delicious meal.  I have been the "eternal" best friend to many a single man, the supportive friend to others trying to make changes in their life and the comic relief to those going through tough times... and I love that about me, and all of that brings me joy beyond measure, however, it also makes me sad at times.  Throughout the years I have watched several of my friends succeed, and even encouraged them to do so with their weight loss goals, but have not been so encouraging of myself.  Yesterday, I ran into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 2 years and I hardly recognized her.  About 2 1/2 years ago this friend was complaining about her weight and I encouraged her to sign up for weight watchers with me.  We went to meetings together for a couple of months, but my life started to get really busy (I was working 2 jobs) and I stopped going and lost contact with her.  Imagine my surprise when I see her 2 years later and 80 lbs.. yes, I said 80 lbs lighter.. she had stuck with weight watchers and made getting healthy her priority, while I had not.  She looks amazing, while I am still in the same place that I have always been... the "funny fat friend", the one who continues to let my weight control and define who I am... well not anymore! 

At the beginning of 2012, I made a resolution that this was the year that I was going to take care of me!  The year I was going to put self improvement first on my list!  The year that I was going to stick with and succeed at something.  Since January, I have made some huge steps with this in some areas... I started seeing a therapist to work on some of my self limiting behaviors, I took control of some situations that I was not happy with at my job, and I signed up for an online dating website (I could write a whole blog on this topic alone) in an effort to meet some single straight guys.  I also did a lot of thinking about getting healthier, but made no real progress, until now.  About 2 months ago I joined a gym and I actually love working out..I just love hanging out and do fun things with friends, or watching my favorite television shows, or doing other things more.  I seem to always have an excuse of why I am not consistent with my gym attendance.  I have even been paying for Weight Watchers online for the past 6 months, however, I have again not followed that plan consistently, but I have had a couple of "wake up calls"in the past month, and I am determined to make my health a priority, and somehow figure out a way to still have fun while losing weight.  This blog is going to be dedicated to that. 

A few weeks ago I went to Baltimore for work and met up with my wonderful friend Anica who I hadn't seen in 4 years.  She and I had a long discussion about how we both felt like we were ready, willing and able to make the changes in our lives we needed to in order to be healthy.  We came up with a plan, which included us holding each other accountable to stick with things, and weekly check ins with each other or what we like to call "our health hotties check in".  I guess like an online support group since we live thousands of miles apart.  In doing all this it got me thinking that maybe setting up a blog could not only help me but others as well.... so here it is.. my blog.  I title the blog "Real Change" since that is what is necessary in my life in order to get to where I want to be...the "healthy thin funny friend".  After the talk that Anica and I that night on the way back to my hotel we randomly stopped to have someone take our picture.  I didn't realize it until later on but in the picture we are standing in front of a boat with the name "Reel Change".  I think that was more than coincidence, considering our conversation that night, and because of that, I have decided to adopt the motto of "Real Change" as I start this new adventure.  I am hoping, no I am planning on that in a year from now, you will see a thinner, healthier Camille, but until then I will keep you updated through the blog on my progress, trials, success, highs and lows.  Keep on checking back in on the blog and feel free to post your encouraging thoughts, tips, ect.  I would love to hear from you all.  Just keep in mind that I am not a professional blogger so there is bound to be a few formatting hiccups along the way!  If you are interested in being a contributer to this blog and joining in on the weight loss journey.. let me know!  The more healthy hotties.. the better!

                             "Reel Change" - the before picture for Anica and I.. June 6, 2012