Wednesday, November 14, 2012

How Millie got her groove back....

So, I know this blog was primarily set up to focus on my goal of losing weight and getting healthier, but like I have explained in some of my earlier posts... getting emotionally healthier was part of my year of taking control of my life.  One of the things that I decided to try was online dating...yep, you heard it... I have joined the ranks of many other desperate and not so desperate singles looking for love...  I have many funny stories from my online adventures, some good... some not so good... but all adventures.  When I first got online and saw some of my options... let's just say, I was scared... really, really, really scared... I debated posting these pictures, but I couldn't help it (I figure if they were willing to put it online, then I can repost it)... these are ACTUAL pictures from the website I have been using...

Now, I am guessing that these guys are probably nice, and maybe even mocking my profile pic at the moment... but really, what's with the seductive pose with the stuffed animal, or the deal with yellow flower? 
Anyway, I digress... I did have to switch my thinking a little in order to not get discouraged... once I did that, online dating became kind of fun... a challenge.... an adventure.  I think why I resisted online dating so much in the first place was the fear of getting rejected... that somebody would look at my profile and say, wow, she is too fat for me, or too ugly, or I hate girls with short hair.... blah, blah, blah... my running joke was "why would I pay to get rejected by boys when that happens to me all the time in real life for free".  Interestingly enough, as I got online and started searching all the profiles, I rejected a lot of them, just like they could potentially be doing with me, so it no longer became a fearful thing... I no longer feared rejection from men.. because if they rejected me online, I honestly would never know so why was I so worried.  Once that switch was flipped in my head, I had a whole new perspective on things (also going to a therapist helped a bit too).  Anyway, some day in the future I will share my tips with online dating since I have had several people tell me I should write a book.... but, I'm tired and that will have to be another day. 
So over the past year, I have gone out with 12 men... yep, 12... that is 11 more men than I have gone out with in the past 10 years (sad but true).  All these years I have been going to a singles church group, trying to find men (and spirituality of course), hoping that some boy would notice me and my awesomeness and declare their undying love for me... but nobody did.  Then, when I went online, I met lots of people who were interested in me enough to to want to go out with me... it was kind of empowering in a way.  I was no longer just a participate in life... waiting for the man of my dreams to be dropped on my doorstep, but I was out, actively searching for him.  The first boy I went out with was a really great experience for me.  He was a cowboy, simple, nice, easy to talk to, and just a good guy.  Even though that didn't work out, I still think he is a good guy, who feared commitment and just wasn't ready for a serious relationship.  There were a couple more guys over the months... several that had an interest in me, but none that I was particularly interested in.  I look at online dating kind of like interviewing for a job... you got to throw a lot of resumes out there to find a job... so that is what I did.  In the summer I met another person, my latin lover... and that is how I got my "groove" back.  Now here is where this post gets a little personal...I have kissed a couple of boys in my life... but none in the last 15 years, sad but true...I even "dated" and I use that term loosely a guy over the period of 2 years back in 2007 and we never kissed... or even held hands... but on the second date, my LL just went in for the "kill" when I wasn't expecting it and kissed me... and we kissed for awhile... sadly, that kissing was not all that enjoyable, but for the first time in years, I actually felt like I could potentially be desirable...even if I was fat.  The story of the whole kissing episode was funny, since most of you know, I am not a touch feely person and barely hug my friends... so having a man all up in my grill was way too much for me to process at once... a little overwhelming..  but again, it was a confidence booster.. maybe I was desirable.... As some of you know, that relationship was on and off quite often, so I decided to continue to date other people... I had a month or two when I had consistently lined up 2 or 3 dates in a week, all with different men.  It was crazy, fun, tiring, awesome, stressful all at the same time.  Several men I went out with numerous times, some I only met up with once, and even a few I talked to on the phone and decided before the meeting that we would NOT be a good match.  Anyway, I met two other men who have profoundly changed my life.. in a good way... and gave me one of the most precious gifts I have ever received... the gift of being with a guy and feeling like I was "enough"... that I was pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough... and desirable enough.  One of the guys, I will not actual use his name... is someone who I will care about forever, who changed me, and I will always love and care about him, but I was not in love with him.  He would tell me all the time, things like "You know Millie you are actually much pretty than you give yourself credit for", or "I have never met anyone like you, you are not like anyone I have gone out with, you are special".  He valued me for me, I felt like he was one of the few guys that I had met that actually "got me".  Of course with the talking and emotional connection, there was also a lot... and I mean a LOT of kissing... all of which I enjoyed, and again boosted my confidence and helped me change some perceptions of myself that I had held onto for years ...  Of course along with the good (he is an amazingly tender hearted guy), there was the bad...he has a lot of issues and in getting to know each other, I realized that we have very different goals and values, so after a night of shedding many a tear, on both of our parts, I had to have the "talk" with him, and boy was it hard, and let him go as a romantic interest and be "just friends".  Again, he is someone that I will always care about and be grateful for meeting.  The other guy who has profoundly changed my life... well folks he and I are "in a relationship"... we are dating seriously and I have now cancelled my online account... he is my boyfriend...yep, I said it, I have a boyfriend... and I think he is AWESOME.  He has 5 kids...yep, I said it 5 kids... from the ages of 6-13, but I have yet in my single life found a boy I enjoy being with more than him.  He is funny, goofy, energetic, steady, determined, kind, easy going, emotionally stable, faithful member of my church, overcome a lot of challenges without letting them get him down and an awesome dad... and most important... adores me (lol, it's all about me...hehe) and I adore him.  So there you have it, I have publicly announced that I have a serious boyfriend...whoa, big, big, big step for me.  Anyway, in any relationship there is always the possibility that things might not work out, and of course that is a possibility with this relationship, but for now, I am going to enjoy every minute of it and move forward with the hope that this one will work out... and I will of course post some pictures later...
So there you have it, how I got my groove back, and one of the reasons that I haven't been posting as frequently as I should. 
Thanks again for following!  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life... so thank you! 

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness! I just read this now because I've been doing my thing here in Buffalo. Camille, that is awesome!!!! I am so excited for you and I know that if you think he's awesome, he has to be! So happy for you! Post pics soon!