Free Space

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been doing a lot of thinking, and I thought I would share some of my "deep thoughts" with you...well, as deep as my thoughts actually get.. I promise, they do relate to weight loss and getting healthy... but you know me, I'm kind of long winded and not the best writer.. but here it goes:

As I said in my first post, at the beginning of January I had this "ah ha" moment where a took a hard look at my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.. and decided that I needed to make some changes in many areas of my life in order to move forward.  I guess I was feeling a little "stuck in a rut", and I wanted out of the rut.  It's not like I was unhappy with my life, I wasn't... I am and have always been extremely happy and grateful for my life and have always tried to live every minute of it...but, none the less, I was feeling "stuck"... stuck in relationships, stuck in situations that weren't making me happy, stuck in my job, stuck in being overweight, ect.  I guess to sum it up, I was stuck in apathy.... 

Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life.

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "Flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness).

This "ah ha" moment came after I had gotten into a sticky situation at work and I felt extremely powerless to get out of it... the whole situation is a long story, but basically, I got caught up in some  "drama" with several very negative and disgruntled employees at my job.  I think because people have always felt comfortable coming to me with their problems... many people in the office would come to me and well, in listening to them, I too started focusing on all of the negative things about my job..and I ended up being called on the carpet for it by my boss.. she expressed her concerns that I had become negative and gossipy and that she was disappointed in me.  I was so disheartened by the whole situation disengaged from almost everyone and everything at my work... and for those who know me well... that is totally not me.  I have always taken pride in my work ethic and have always considered  myself to be a really good team member and employee.  The situation left me kind of powerless...at least that is what I thought....then one day, things changed and I had the "ah ha" moment.  This moment happened at a staff meeting in which our boss had invited someone from our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to come and talk to us about our EAP benefits.  Up until that point, I didn't even know we had EAP benefits, but the discussion sparked my interest so I listened carefully as the presenter talked about how we (each employee) had access to free therapy benefits to help us with any life situation we were dealing with, or even just problems we were having at work.  It was like a light went on and I saw a way to get some help talking through a couple of things that had been weighing me down... so immediately following the meeting, I called and made an appointment... and that my friends, is where the change began.  Now, I have never seen a therapist, and I never really thought I needed to see a therapist because I wasn't feeling depressed but when the offer of free short term "life assistance" was offered, it was like I felt someone had thrown me rope to help me out of some of the negative and consuming life situations I had gotten myself into.  So, that is when I committed to myself that 2012 was going to MY year, it was going to be the year that I take back control of my life.... and I was going to get out of that "rut" I have been in for the past several years.. 

My sessions with my therapist were AWESOME.  It was like having my own personal life coach to help me analyze what was going good and what wasn't with my life and how I could change things.  We discussed many, many things.. but one of my favorite sessions was when discussed how the "old Camille" would handle things and how the "new me" could handle things.  As we were talking, he got out his laptop and said, "I am writing these down, so you can remember them and see them everyday", seven months later.. I still have that piece of paper hanging on my wall so I can read it everyday.. and I do and here is what it says:

"My past does not determine my future"

"I am as valuable of a person as everyone else"

"Just because I have had some negative experiences, it doesn't mean they have to

control my life"

When we read them out loud at that session, I began to cry...not because I was sad, but because I was happy.  It felt like for the first time in my life somebody had given me permission to let go... that it was okay to move forward...and that I deserved to take control of my life.... it felt AWESOME and so empowering... 

After that meeting, I made a decision that there were a couple of people in my life who I had somewhat unhealthy relationships with that I needed to cut ties with in order to move forward in my own life, and take care of me.  I also needed to fix the situation at my work, along with do something about my weight.  Letting go of some of the people in my life was hard... really, really, really hard.. but it needed to be done.  Taking back control of my situation at work was really, really, really hard as well.. but I did it, and I have gotten nothing but praise from my bosses since then ( I was even one of the very few in the office that got a raise).   I also made the commitment to start going to the gym and watch more closely what I eat.  Since January I have lost 20 pounds... and I am now regularly going to the gym and pushing myself harder at the gym than I ever have before.. and I feel great. I even joined a online dating website...yep, you heard it... and have gone out on more dates since January then I have been on in the last 5 years... (some good..some not so good LOL).  Of course the last 7 months have had their ups and downs.. but overall turning 40 and 2012 have been AMAZING.. and it is only going to get better. 

When I was talking to one of my really wise friends the other day, she made a super insightful observation about this year for me... she said "Camille look at all the progress you have made on your 2012 goal of taking care of you... by getting rid of the negative in your life, it has freed up your time to let the positive back into it....and has left some space for God to let good things come into your life".. and she was right!  I now have the emotional "free space" to let good things back into my life, and may good things have come back into my life over the past year.  I have been able to reconnect with some wonderful people from my past that for some reason, maybe because I was so consumed with the negative situations in my life,  we lost contact with each other.. and reconnecting with them has brought some incredible blessing to me and I am incredibly grateful.  I have also had the emotional free space to accomplish some things that I have been wanting to do for a long time... like enjoying the beauty of nature, spending more time with family and friends, and even a little dating ... of course, I still have things that I am working on.. like taking care of my finances and cleaning out my room and getting rid of stuff I don't need... but baby steps right?

So, why did I share all of this with you?  I guess I just want to thank you for being a part of my life and for supporting me and encouraging me to continue on in my journey.  I would also like to offer a challenge to you, my readers, to take a few minutes to look at the things in your lives that may be halting you from moving forward... taking up all your "free space"...  and if there are those "space invaders" I would encourage you to make the changes necessary to make room, clear some emotional space, so that God can fill it with all the good things He has in store for you, and each of us.

Love you all!  Thanks for following!